Christmas funnies

This morning I played around with three different ideas for a post, kept nodding off in my chair, laid down for a nap, slept too long, and really need to get moving! But I resurrected a post from three years ago when I didn’t know most of you, and added a few new ones at the end. Enjoy!

These have been collected from various places over the years. Enjoy!

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Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, Sue made a list of things she needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.As it happened, a friend whom she had been promising to take to lunch asked if they could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, Sue taped her “to do” list to the dashboard and went and picked her up her friend, Amy. As Amy settled into the car, her face dropped.

“Thanks a lot!” she sulked.

Then Sue glanced at her list and saw the first item: “Take out the turkey.”

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A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much last Christmas. So this year she wrote out checks for each of them to send in their Christmas cards. In each card she carefully wrote, “Buy your own present this year.” and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk!

Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with “Buy your own present this year” written inside–without the check!

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There was a woman who had waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them. Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them, still without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends. Much to her dismay, it read like this:
“This card is just to say,
A little gift is on the way.”

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her–a gift that would never come.

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Jan decided to get her husband to address Christmas cards, as she had so much to do. She arranged everything they needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, “Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way.”

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, returning moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

“They’re last year’s,” he said. “I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax.”

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Q: How long does it take to burn a candle down?

A: About a wick.

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Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year, and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

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Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

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Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

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The other day Dan sent his girlfriend a huge pile of snow. He rang her up and asked, “Did you get my drift?”

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10 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey

1. Salmonella won’t be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
4. Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
5. No one will overeat.
6. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
7. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
8. You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.
9. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
10. You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches, soups, and casseroles.

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I had one about the hazards to a relationship of stringing Christmas lights, but since ivman recently posted it as well as some other fun stuff about Christmas decorating, I’ll just refer you there.