Laudable Linkage and a Question

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It’s been a little while since I have been able to share interesting reads found online lately, so I have a longish list. But first I have a question.

I used to save all my links on Del.icio.us.com, but they’ve not been up to par for some time now – being bought by various companies, relocating, changing their url. etc., and now they’re “read only” – I can’t add new links to them. I liked that the tags were searchable: if I wanted to look up a link I had saved about the Bible, I could search for “Bible” and find all my links on that subject. Lately I have been saving new links to a draft in my gmail account since I always have that open, but sometimes either the draft itself or the content disappears (maybe when it gets too long?) So my question, or actually two questions are: Is there anything else like Delicious out there, and is there an easy way to import the links I already have over to something else? It would take ages to place all those years of links individually, so I probably just would not do that and hope the read-only version of Delicious stays up, or maybe I’d just do it for a couple of the most important categories. I’d love hearing any suggestions!

Ok, on to the most recent rewarding reads:

Hermeneutics for Parenting: Study the Word, HT to Story Warren. Though this is in the context of teaching one’s children, when it gets to the part about Bible study, it’s good basic, concise Bible study truth for anyone.

The Rise of Digital Technologies and the Decline of Reading. This is not an “abandon all technology, books are better post.” Some good tips for finding balance and adapting.

Empty Tables: Singleness and Barrenness. “I had to learn my purpose could not be put on hold until I was married. In the same way, I have to learn I am not less than, being withheld from, incomplete, or unable to learn what God has for me to learn in barrenness.”

Do I Want My Children to Be Careful or Take Risks? HT to Story Warren. This is a hard one to balance. I think I erred on the side of carefulness probably too much, but I can see the need to encourage and allow for some degree of risk-taking as well.

Millennial Motherhood: Three Traps For Young Moms.

An Ode to ‘Women of a Certain Age.’ Loved this, especially after just recently passing a “milestone” birthday. I have a lot of living left to do!

5 Practical Steps For Seeking Wisdom through Mentorship, HT to Challies.

Charlottesville, Confederate Memorials, and Southern Culture. A difficult subject, one I certainly don’t have all the answers for, but this sounds like a reasonable approach.

4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Colorblind, HT to Lisa.

Sorry, Nobody Wants Your Parents’ Stuff, Advice for Boomers Desperate to Unload Family Heirlooms, HT to Button Floozies. Also linked to the latter was this place which takes old sewing notions and the like: I don’t like the name of the place but I love the idea!

10 Elements of a Light and Bright Space, HT to Linda. This is exactly my style, except for the open shelving (too much to dust!)

Lessons from the Otter on Doing Hard Things, HT to Jessica. Randy Alcorn draws some observations from an otter afraid to go into the water and then finding it’s “what he was made for.” I’ll include the video below. I love this because this is so me! “Sometimes we need to just get our shrieks out of the way as God lowers us toward the water, finally just jump in that water, and discover the wonderful things God has for us!”

Happy Saturday!

(As always, linking to a particular site does not include 100% endorsement of that site.)

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Book Review: Finishing Our Course With Joy

At 99 pages, J. I. Packer’s Finishing Our Course with Joy: Guidance from God for Engaging with Our Aging  is not a total treatise on aging. Its main thrust is that modern society tends to put older people on the shelf for a life of indulgence and idleness, but Christians should continue growing in our relationship with God as well as our ministry to others. Our ministry may look different from what it did in our youth, but God still has a purpose for us being here. He acknowledges that one fourth of the “oldest old” (over 85) will have some degree of dementia, but:

These pages address those who, by God’s grace, still have their faculties intact; who recognize that, as is often and truly said, aging is not for wimps; and who want to learn, in a straightforward way, how we may continue living for God’s glory (p. 14).

He says that for years, people have viewed older age as a state of decline, but we should view it as what he calls “ripeness” or maturity.

We know the difference between ripe and unripe fruit: the latter is sharp, acid, hard, without much flavor, and sets teeth on edge; the former is relatively soft and sweet, juicy, mellow, flavorful, leaving a pleasant taste in the mouth” (p. 18).

The Bible’s view is that aging, under God and by grace, will bring wisdom, that is, an enlarged capacity for discerning, choosing, and encouraging (p. 19).

[Racers] always try to keep something in reserve for a final sprint…so far as our bodily health allows, we should aim to be found running the last lap of our Christian life, as we would say, flat out. The final sprint, so I urge, should be a sprint indeed (pp. 21-22).

He discusses various ways to do that, living one day at a time as if it truly might be our last, with glorifying God as our “constant goal,” avoiding excessive daydreaming and nostalgia, ready to go whenever God calls us home.

The fact that one is no longer under any pressure to use one’s mind in learning things, solving problems, or strategizing for benefits either to oneself or to anybody else, will allow intelligence to lie permanently fallow, and this, so they tell us, may very well hasten the onset of dementia. The agenda as a whole turns out to be a recipe for isolating oneself and trivializing one’s life, with apathetic boredom becoming one’s default mood day after day (p. 30).

He discusses some of the temptations of old age, such as “going with the flow” of everything declining, even spiritually, or not acknowledging any decline due to pride and becoming “tyrannical” with family and friends after having to leave one’s sphere of work (pp 45-46).

He discusses how the church’s view too often mimics the world’s views of retirement:

Yet the common expectation, undiscussed but unchallenged, is that retirees will not continue the learning and leading that were big in their lives while they were at work. The most that the church will expect of them now is that they will continue to support from the sidelines, as it were, the modes of ministry in which others engage (pp. 62-63).

By moving us to think this way, however, Satan undermines, diminishes, and deflates our discipleship, reducing us from laborers in Christ’s kingdom to sympathetic spectators…(p. 63).

Still taking their cue from the world around, modern Western churches organize occupations, trips, parties, and so forth for their seniors and make pastoral provision for the shut-ins, but they no longer look to these folks as they do to the rest of the congregation to find, feed, and use their spiritual gifts. In this they behave as though spiritual gifts and ministry skills whither with age. But they don’t; what happens, rather, is that they atrophy with disuse (pp 63-64).

He encourages churches to balance acknowledging that there is bodily decline and ministering as needed to seniors with seeking to “cherish and continue to harness the ministering capacities” of older saints (p. 64). “And elderly Christian themselves should press on in the worship and service of God and in pastoral care for others, up to the limit of what they can still handle…” (p. 64).

“The challenge that faces us is not to let that fact [that our bodies are slowing down] slow us down spiritually, but to cultivate the maximum zeal for the closing phase of our earthly lives” (p. 72). He then spends several pages discussing zeal and quotes J. C. Ryle as saying that “Zeal in religion is a burning desire to do his will, and to advance his glory in every possible way” (pp. 74-75).

He urges balance in families as well, encouraging seniors not to be “dictatorial” or “invade family circles unasked,” remembering that “loyalty to one’s spouse should trump the claims of parents,” and encouraging families not to “ignore mature wisdom that is available…in [their] older relatives and friends” (p. 97).

He also discusses nurturing the hope of heaven, letting that be a guide and inspiration as well as a testimony, and remembering that we will give account at the judgment seat of Christ that Christians will face (different from the judgment that unbelievers face).

There is a lot packed in this short little book, and it’s encouraging to be reminded that God still has things for us to do for His glory as we age.

(Sharing with Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books, Literary Musing Monday, Carole’s Books You Loved)

Problems, Blessings, and Dangers of Middle Age

Some time back, I saw a few people online lamenting that there weren’t many blog posts written for “middle-aged” women. There are a lot of “mom blogs,” particularly for moms with young children. But blogs for moms of teenagers and adult children or for women past that stage seem to be few. Part of that is because you can’t talk about your teens’ problems online in the same way you share about struggling with your two-year-old’s temper tantrums or refusal to eat anything but cereal. Then, too, middle-aged women are often the “sandwich generation” years, dealing with nearly adult children at the same time as aging parents, so time can be lacking.

It’s also hard to define middle-age. I have joked that the middle-aged spread doesn’t refer so much to a thickening waistline as it does to the number of years we consider ourselves middle-aged. I’m in the far side of my fifties, and “old” is at least another 20 years away in my thinking.

I’m not an expert, and my experience might not ring true for everyone, but I thought I’d share what I consider the good points, bad points, and dangers of middle-age.

Problems of Middle Age:

Might as well get the bad news over first. 🙂

Physical issues:

It’s easier to gain weight and harder to lose it.

Peri-menopause and menopause (for me, peri-menopause – the years leading up to menopause – were much worse than menopause itself). There are a number of sites dealing with the particulars and what you can do for them.

Staring to decline in strength, eyesight, etc. There are all sorts of “aids” for that kind of thing, from “reader” glasses to bifocals, to “reachers” that help us get out-of-the way things, to tools that help get lids off jars, etc. Instead of lamenting on how old I am that I have to use these things, I can be glad that they are available – some were not until fairly recently.

Beginnings of problems with blood sugar, blood pressure, arthritis, etc. Some of these are better avoided than corrected – I’m guilty of “Oh, I’ll deal with that someday” in regard to weight and blood sugar issues. If I had been dealing with it correctly all along, I wouldn’t be having the problems I am now. Of course, sometimes problems in those areas will crop up anyway because our bodies are not eternal. I heard one preacher say that one reason our bodies break down as we age is to remind us of just that and to urge us to be willing to let go of them and prepare for eternity.

Sleep issues. Middle-aged women often have trouble sleeping through the night and trouble getting back to sleep once they wake up. Sometimes that’s due to urinary issues. I am not sure of the other causes, but it’s a common complaint. That in turn affects us emotionally and intellectually.

Emotional issues:

Menopause has emotional as well as physical issues. But that’s not an excuse to just spew negative emotions all over our families: it’s an occasion to lean all the harder on God and draw strength and help from Him.

The “empty nest” usually occurs around this time, and while we rejoice in seeing our kids take steps toward adulthood, don’t really want them dependent on us forever, and know that the goal of motherhood is to work ourselves out of a job, it is still a major emotional adjustment when they leave the home. Even as we come to enjoy some of the perks of having the house and time to ourselves, we miss that everyday interaction with them that we used to have.

Some of the physical issues themselves affect our emotions, and sometimes just having physical issues affects our emotions.

Realizing that we have more time behind us than ahead of us can be depressing when there is so much more we want to do and less and less time to do it.

Intellectual issues:

I keep the post-it note company in business – if I don’t write reminders to myself, I’ll forget what I need to do.

Sometimes we’ll forget a name or fact we know perfectly well, or forget in the middle of a sentence what we were going to say, or enter a room and forget why we came there. Granted, that happens to everyone at every age, but it seems to happen more the older we get. These things in themselves don’t indicate dementia (and worrying about it makes it worse!) But it can be frustrating.

Lifestyle issues:

The empty nest has already been mentioned. Facing retirement, the possibility of needing to downsize and/or move due to declining income, dealing with aging parents and the medical and aging issues of spouses, are all often faced in the middle-aged season of life. I wrote extensively about caring for an aging parent in Adventures in Elder Care.

Pluses:

Settledness. Sure, there can be upheavals, as mentioned above, and sometimes the empty nest, the death of a spouse or parent, or the loss of a job can turn our world upside down and cause us to have to contemplate what to do next. But as a general rule we know who we are, and, if we’ve walked with the Lord for any length of time, we know to turn to Him for help. Previous trials help us face current ones. We know what our gifts are and aren’t. I used to have some pretty serious self-esteem issues, but once I got hold of being “accepted in the Beloved,” those seemed to melt away. One dear young mom I follow is constantly writing about coming to terms with who she is and what she is supposed to do and how she fits in the grand scheme of life and reinventing herself, and sometimes I just want to tell her, “Hon…just live your life. Enjoy your husband and kids, take the opportunities God brings to hand, and just live.” But I doubt that advice would go over well, and it may be that kind of angst leads to being more settled as we work through those issues, so I just pray that God would help her to be settled in Him.

When I see favorite photos of my kids as toddlers, I sorely miss those little ones. Yet I do rejoice in the young men they have become. Though we miss aspects of babyhood, getting to know our kids as they get older and then relating to them as adults is great fun. As they grow older, they become companionable friends.

Middle age can bring more time as kids get older and their needs from us decline. On the other hand, with aging parents having more needs, sometimes we have more demands on our time.

Likewise, middle age often brings more breathing space financially as the kids move away, at least until retirement and fixed incomes.

Perhaps you’ve seen this humorous list of “Perks of Being Over 50” (I don’t know who originally wrote it, but I have seen it all over the internet):

No one expects you to run a marathon.

 People call at 9 P.M. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Senior discounts!

Grandchildren are the best part of middle age. 🙂

Dangers:

The “we have always done it this way” syndrome. Being stuck in a rut. This can especially cause problems in church and in dealing with new in-laws as our children marry. There are bedrock truths that we shouldn’t budge on, but in other areas we can be open to new ways of doing things.

The “I know better than everyone else” syndrome in our words and attitudes. Not receiving suggestions from others. Griping about “kids these days.” We have been around the block a few times more than some, but we don’t know everything. And even in areas where we do know better, we can share that in a way that’s helpful or in a way that’s obnoxious and off-putting.

The “stuck in the past” syndrome. We can enjoy our memories and share them sometimes, but we need to pay attention to the people in our lives now and pray and consider ways to minister to them.

The “I’ve done my time” syndrome. “I’ve worked in the nursery/managed VBS/cooked for every event, etc., for x number of years now: it’s time to let somebody else do it.” Granted, for various reasons we might not be able to do all the things we once did. But there is no retirement from the Lord’s service. There is something He wants us to do, even if it doesn’t fit into the organized ministry of the church. See Ways Older Women Can Serve.

Bitterness over life problems, people not treating you as you’d like, etc. etc. The Bible has much to say about bitterness: “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled,” Hebrews 12:15. “Take it to the Lord in prayer,” as the hymn says. Ask Him for wisdom in how to deal with the issues, do your part to keep relationships what they ought to be, and rest in Him.

Stagnation. Not learning, growing, trying anything new. Sitting in front of the TV all day.

Fear of the future. With health and financial issues, as well as potential loneliness, it can be easy to fear or dread what the future might bring. But God has promised to supply all of our needs. He may not supply them just the way I would have preferred. I don’t want to be dependent on my children some day, and I hope that doesn’t happen, but I have to trust that if it does, God has something for all involved to learn. God’s promises don’t mean that I don’t need to plan and use my resources wisely. But I can trust Him to work through and beyond my resources. “Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save” (Isaiah 46:4).

Conclusions:

Come to terms with your mortality. Prepare for eternity by receiving Christ as Savior. Even though we mourn leaving loved ones behind, having our eternal destination settled takes much of the sting out of facing death. But salvation isn’t just about securing passage to heaven: it’s about having our sins forgiven and living now for God, having His help and grace through life and making His priorities ours. Knowing that we have His help for whatever we will go through and living for Him rather than ourselves will make our remaining years a blessing to ourselves and others.

Stay in God’s Word and prayer. We should never stop growing spiritually.

Look at aids (bifocals, magnifying glasses, cane, etc.) as something to help you and extend your abilities rather than something to get down about.

Stay active, mentally as well as physically.

Repair broken relationships.

Deal with regrets.

Confess and, forsake wrongdoing, apologize, move on.

Use money wisely in preparation for reduced income.

Take initiative. Once I heard an older lady lament that she hardly knew any of the teens at church and wished that the youth pastor would organize some way to get them together. Suggest that to the pastor rather than hope he thinks of it, or better yet, host a teen fellowship at your house or the church (ask a few other ladies for help) or just have a few at a time over to get to know them. If you feel alone and neglected, reach out to someone else. Don’t grouse that no one has called you: call them.

Keep learning. Trying new things is good for your brain!

Despite its potential problems, middle age can be quite an enjoyable stage of life.

How about you? Can you identify with these? Are there any other problems, dangers, or good points about middle age that you can think of?

(Sharing with Inspire Me Monday, Literary Musing Monday, The Art of Home-making Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Wise Woman, Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesday, Faith on Fire)

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Laudable Linkage

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I don’t usually do these two Saturdays in a row, but I came across a lot of good reading this week.

When Control-Craving Hearts Get Angry.

Why We Don’t Need to Fear the Moment of Our Death, HT to Challies.

Embrace the Life You Have.

In Defense of the Unspoken Prayer Request.

Which Bible Woman Are You Like?

Advance in Favor. Sometimes an “I don’t care what people think” attitude helps when standing for right and truth when others are not. But the Bible says Jesus increased in favor with God and man. I appreciated this article on what that means.

Don’t Hide Those Grey Hairs.

Infuse Your In-law Relationships With Grace and Love. I am happy to have good relationships with both my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

If I have Enough Faith, Will God Heal Me?

At the bottom of the above link is this video, worth the 12+ minutes to listen:

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12 Things You Should Know About Caring For the Elderly

Every now and then I come across articles like “Ten Things Your Plumber Won’t Tell You” or “12 Things Your Doctor Would Like You to Know.” Often they are pretty enlightening.

I’ve written extensively before about our experiences caring for my mother-in-law, almost four years in our home and five years before that in assisting living facilities and a nursing home, and shared some hopefully helpful tips for people in the same situation. But I got to thinking, if I ever had an opportunity to speak to a group or write one article on this topic, what are the top few truths or principles I would share? Probably among them would be these:

1. Preserve as much of their independence for as long as possible. It seems like often family members will see an elderly loved one’s need of assistance before that person does. Sometimes denial causes the elderly to think they can carry on as they always have: I think more often it’s fear of loss of independence. I’ve heard more than one person express dismay or impatience that their loved one won’t just go along with the program and make it easier on everybody and move into a facility already. But have you ever thought about what that involves? Depending on the facility and how much money is available, it means much smaller living space, selling the family home, departing with long-loved objects in order to downsize, communal meals, not being able to control your own medication or, to a certain degree, your schedule.  The first time we moved my mother-in-law into a facility, I thought it was something like a cross between a dorm room and a hospital. I liked the dorms in college: I wouldn’t want to go back to them in my later years. Think about having had your own personal space for 50-odd years and suddenly moving into one room that anyone in the facility can come into at any time. Granted, that accessibility, having the staff control medications, etc., is for one’s safety: but that doesn’t make it any easier or make one look forward to it.

2. If/when you do have to go against their wishes, be as gracious as possible about it. My mother-in-law is very much a “stay with the status quo” type of person, at least since she has been here. She has had hearing aids for as long as I remember, but when she first moved here, she couldn’t hear much at all even with the aids, even if we were sitting next to her and nearly shouting. She’d just smile and say, “You’ll just have to speak up!” Frustrating! My husband took her to an audiologist, and all along the way until she actually got the new hearing aids, she kept saying, “I’m doing all right with what I have: I don’t think we need to get new ones.” Jim just kept quietly insisting that we needed to explore the possibility, and once she got the new ones, she was pleased. She wanted to keep baking soda in her room because she used it as an antacid: Jim didn’t think the extra sodium would be good for her health. Once when I visited she just kept bringing it up and insisting it was fine. I had an “out” in saying Jim didn’t think she should have it, but we kept going over the same points of conversation. He finally compromised in letting her keep a pack of Rolaids in her drawer (which technically we weren’t supposed to do: all medication was supposed to be handed out by the nurse). I don’t think she ever used them, but it must have eased her mind just to have them. It’s hard to know sometimes when to insist and when to let something go. You have to choose your battles. But don’t make it a battle, if possible: don’t be confrontational or argumentative. Thankfully his mom was never combative, but I have friends whose parents are. It’s hard to bathe an 85-year-old adult who doesn’t want a bath and even resists it. You can let it go for a while, but eventually it has to happen. Distraction or diversion works for many things, so perhaps discussing something else while getting set up for the bath will get their minds on another track. (If any of you have tips along this line, feel free to share them!)

3. Convey to them that they are still important and useful. When we moved my mother-in-law into an assisted living facility, my husband told her she would never have to cook or clean again, and after having done those things for most of her life, she was glad to hear it! She loved having time to enjoy reading, her favorite activity. One day when she was visiting our home for a family gathering, and an old family story came up concerning something funny she had said years ago, we all laughed, including her. Then she said, “Well, at least I’m still good for something” (meaning, good for a laugh). I was stunned. I hadn’t realized that she hadn’t felt “good for something,” that she had kind of lost her purpose. One of my regrets is that I didn’t do more on visits with her, like ask her about her life and history and write the answers down to share with other loved ones, or go through a box of very old photos and arrange them in an album with her.

4. Treat them with dignity: don’t treat them like children. Very old age does have some things in common with childhood, but it is not the same. In I’m Still Here: A New Philosophy of Alzheimer’s Care, John Zeisel writes, “It’s not right to think of Alzheimer patients as entering their ‘second childhood.’ They have knowledge and life experience children don’t have.” That’s true of any elderly person. Once when my husband came to pick up his mom at her facility, the aide with her said, “It’s almost like you’ve switched places, isn’t it?” and then turned to his mom and said, “Your daddy is here, honey.” No, it is NOT like that. He had to ask her not to say things like that. Yes, the son or daughter will have to make major decisions and handle things the parent used to, and the parent may be incapable of doing many things any more, but that’s not the same thing as reverting to childhood. Especially fingernails-on-the-chalkboard grating is talking baby talk to them.

5. Do NOT put them in a facility without checking on the regularly and frequently. You would assume that everyone who works in assisted living or a nursing home is kind, professional, skilled, and will take the best possible care of each resident. We learned, sadly, that that’s not the case. I could tell you stories…my husband has said often that he’s going to write a book about this some day. Each place had some jewels in their workers, but each place also had some who were neglectful, who handled her roughly, who paid no attention to her posture, who talked over her to their coworkers and didn’t even look her in the eye while handling her in some way, who didn’t clean her face well after a meal so that she got red, rough irritated spots on her face, etc. Once I walked in to a facility, and they had her in her wheelchair in the common room with the other residents, she was bent over the side of her wheelchair at a 90 degree angle, even though there were several aides in the room, even though we bought some small pillows to help keep her upright in the chair. Plus the employees are overworked and underpaid and the facilities understaffed. On top of that, the residents might not be able to verbalize what’s wrong, either due to dementia or possibly even fear. My mother-in-law had a “don’t rock the boat” personality, and the more she declined, the more help she needed, the more her care declined. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease” is as true here as everywhere else. There were some residents who really needed a staff member with them almost 24/7 for various reasons, and that left the quiet ones like my mother-in-law unattended for too long too often.

6. Don’t forget them. Whereas #5 was more concerned about their safety and well-being, here I mean don’t forget them on a personal level. Continue to interact even if they don’t remember who you are. A lady in our church who writes notes once or twice a month to my mother-in-law checks in with me from time to time to see if she still enjoys them or gets anything out of them. I tell her, honestly, I don’t know if she remembers who the writer is, and I don’t know if she remembers anything the note said five minutes after it’s read to her, but for those few minutes, she knows someone thought about her and cared enough to jot a few lines to her. It’s incredibly sad to us when holidays or her birthday go by (and the days in-between as well) and she hears from almost no one.

7. The best thing you can give them is your time and attention. When my mother-in-law was in a facility, we tried to visit her every day. We usually sat and visited, but I’d run out of things to talk about after a while. I felt more “useful” when I could pick up or straighten her room or do something physical, but that tended to embarrass her. Likewise, gift bags, flowers, etc., are nice, but don’t feel you have to bring anything. What’s most valuable is for someone to face them, look them in the eye, talk directly to them and focus on them, or, if you live away from your loved one, a personal note, perhaps an new photo, or Face Time or Skype if possible.

8. All eating problems do not mean the end is in sight. Whenever I have mentioned eating problems with my mother-in-law to almost any health care professional, they’ll say, “Well, you know, when they get near the end, they’re just not as interested in food.” That may be true, but that doesn’t mean other factors might not be involved. When we moved my mother-in-law to our home from the nursing home, she was around 90 lbs., and we thought we were bringing her home to die. That was four years ago. I think a combination of food prepared and seasoned well, warm and not cold from sitting on a cart while food is distributed, and, most important, someone to feed her who takes time with her, all contributed to her eating well again and gaining weight. We learned that eating tires her out, so sometimes you have to give her a few bites, give her a drink, wait a bit, then try a few more bites. Even now she’ll have certain meals, or even certain days, where she’s just not interesting in eating. Since she doesn’t speak much any more, we don’t know if the food is too hot, too cold, doesn’t taste good, or if she’s just tired or doesn’t feel well. Sometimes I think she’s just not going to open her mouth because eating is the one thing she can control in her life. But that usually lasts just a day or so, sometimes a few days, and then she’s back to eating normally.

9. It is probably going to get worse. My mother-in-law has been on a something of a plateau for a couple of years now, but for a long while, if anyone asked us how she was doing, the response would be that she wasn’t doing very well. Sometimes people were taken aback that we didn’t have a positive cheery answer, like when people say, “How are you?” and expect no other answer except, “Fine, how are you?” in return, and they’re jarred a bit at any other answer, especially a negative one. Once we said, “Well, she’s declining,” and the person responded, “Well, we’re all declining.” (Sigh.) I’ve wondered what people expect when they ask that question in the waning years of a person’s life. The person may have many wonderful days, but in the long run, they are either losing abilities (in my mother-in-law’s case) or multiplying health issues, and things are steadily going downhill.

10. The caregiver needs care. Even if the loved one is in a facility rather than the home, often one of the adult children is primarily in charge of seeing to her care and needs. And of course, if she is being cared for at home, obviously that person or family is taking on the bulk of her care. The caregivers need to know they’re not alone, that everyone else cares. They may need advice, emotional support, financial support, respite. I’ve known some cases where one is the primary caregiver, but the other siblings take the parent home for a weekend or a few days. Distance or the parent’s condition may prevent that, but it’s nice if it can happen. Thankfully we’ve had friends both in church and online who have cared for parents in their home, and they’ve been highly valuable and helpful to confer with, even just to have that fellowship of someone understanding exactly what’s involved.

11. I’m not a saint, except in the Biblical concept that everyone who believes on the  Lord Jesus Christ as Savior is called a saint. Some people put caregivers on a pedestal or overly praise them, but we’re just ordinary people struggling through what we’re called to do. Appreciation or encouragement are more welcome than unvarnished praise, but it’s hard to know where the dividing lines are sometimes.

12. It’s hard. It’s hard to see one’s loved ones decline and to see their circumstances and quality of life reduced. It’s hard to feel the weight of their care. It’s hard to feel guilty about feeling that their care is weighty or about occasional resentment. My husband feels guilty that he doesn’t spend more time with his mom, but she sleeps about 20 hours a day, and it doesn’t do either of them any good for him to sit in her room while she’s sleeping. It’s hard to feel limited. It’s expensive to hire outside help – the agency we use charges $17 an hour, and we already have them here forty+ hours a week just so we’re free to run errands, make appointments, or just have a break. But we can’t just pick up and go out to eat, go on vacation, go to our son’s house, etc., without making arrangements and incurring more expenses. One friend who lived alone with her mom had people who could come over for a few hours or even a couple of days, but, still, that’s a lot to ask of someone, so the caregiver doesn’t feel the freedom to ask that often. In our case, my mother-in-law’s situation and the care needed is such that just having someone come and sit with her would not be sufficient. We’re limited even in ministry: we can’t go to everything that happens at church. My husband was a deacon when we first brought his mom home and submitted his resignation to the pastor because he just couldn’t be away for long meetings, etc., at that time. It’s hard to feel like even mentioning these things sounds like complaining.

I’ve written about this before, but what helps most is just accepting that this is our ministry for now, just like having a new baby in the house is a mother’s primary ministry. As Elisabeth Elliott has said, our limitations just define our ministry: “For it is with the equipment that I have been given that I am to glorify God. It is this job, not that one, that He gave me.” Each ministry carries its own responsibilities, weights, and cares, but “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

I’ve written from our experiences and that of friends, but, of course, every experience is different. People have widely varying capacities as they age: we know a 90-year-old who still lives at home, drives, is active at church and with her hobbies, an 80-year-old who still travels internationally and even recently remarried. I had one friend whose mother-in-law had Alzheimer’s but was physically fine, and she was able to take her mother-in-law with her wherever she went, at least in the earlier stages of the disease. And there is much, much more that could be said. But I hope you’ve been able to find some degree of common ground here and something helpful.

(Sharing with Inspire me MondayLiterary Musing Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Wise Woman, and Woman to Woman Word-filled Wednesday)

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Book Review: The Voice of Experience

voice-of-experienceSamuel and Jane K. Brody are a husband and wife medical team: he is a doctor and she is a psychiatric nurse. In The Voice of Experience: Stories About Health Care and the Elderly they bring their medical experience as well as their personal experience with aging parents to bear in discussing various issues related to health care of the elderly.

The book is divided into five sections, beginning with “Assessing the Situation” when an elderly person first starts manifesting that they might need additional care, through safety issues, quality of life concerns, aspects of decision making, and end of life issues.

There is not a clear cut way to handle many of the issues discussed: so much depends on the general state of health of the person, personal preferences, family dynamics, etc. But these chapters do give examples, good and bad, and a doctor’s advice and wisdom.

For my own purposes, with my mother-in-law’s decline over the last dozen or so years, much of this was not new to me, but I did benefit from it, and some of the end of life discussions clarified some things for me. I think this book would be helpful to anyone at any stage in the process.

It appears to be self-published and would have benefited from an editor to catch a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases, but they are very few.

Genre: Non-fiction
Potential objectionable elements: None
My rating: 8 out of 10

(Sharing with Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books and Literary Musing Monday,)

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Laudable Linkage

This is my first chance in a couple of weeks to share noteworthy reads discovered around the web in that time. Enjoy!

A Case For Christian Magnanimity.

The Hero of the Story Is Always God.

Why Doesn’t Our Faith Move Mountains?

The Providence of God in History.

5 Christian Cliches That Need to Die.

When Does Old Age Arrive? I’m facing a milestone birthday next year, and I found this very encouraging.

Mothers in the Church.

Learning to Let Go. “Even though a parent’s spiritual influence is so important, I was never meant to fill the place that only God can in my daughter’s life. He is a better teacher, protector, and guide than I can ever be.”

Which Expired Foods Are Okay to Eat.

And a few concerning the holiday season:

Evangelism, the Holidays, and My Atheist Grandpa.

5 Ways to Make the Holidays More Peaceful.

Navigating Family Tensions at the Holidays.

The Problem With Our Holly Jolly Christmas Songs.

No wonder our pets get confused sometimes. 🙂

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And finally, this brought a smile that I am sure my fellow Southerners will understand:

honey

Happy Saturday!

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