These have been collected from various places over the years. Enjoy!
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my “to do” list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped.
“Thanks a lot!” she sulked.
Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: “Take out the turkey.”
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much last Christmas. So this year she wrote out checks for each of them to send in their Christmas cards. In each card she carefully wrote, “Buy your own present this year.” and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk!
Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with “Buy your own present this year” written inside–without the check!
There was a woman who had waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them. Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them, still without reading the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends. Much to her dismay, it read like this:
“This card is just to say,
A little gift is on the way.”
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her–a gift that would never come.
Did you know that some psychiatrists claim that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in relationships? They say the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. With this in mind I present to you a …
…List of Things *not* to Say when Hanging Lights on the ChristmasTree!
“You’ve got two red lights right next to each other. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green,blue…”
“Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
“What do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
“Here! Give me that!”
“I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
“You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
“Where’s the cat?”
“You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside down. The electric plug thingie should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
(Graphics copyright ©2006 Julia Bettencourt. Used with permission.)