Light thoughts for a dreary day

It’s cold, wet, and gray here in SC this morning — perfect for a bowl of cream of wheat with brown sugar and margarine — and something fun. To those of you who read the ladies’ newsletter/booklet from church, I’ll forewarn you this is a preview from the one I am currently working on.

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Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”

Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

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What your baby would tell you if he could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don’t be jealous, but I think I’m in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it’ll cost you.

4. To you, it’s just an empty box; to me it’s PlayStation 2.

5. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That’s what teething feels like.

6. Two words I’d rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

7. I’ve told you five times what the cow says. If you can’t remember, I’m not telling you again.

8. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

9. I’m not just wildly throwing my food. I’m exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.

11. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

12. Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

13. If my bottom is so cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

14. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

15. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.