The Mother at Home

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When my older children were little, a book making the rounds among young mothers at church was The Mother at Home by John S. C. Abbott. It was originally published in 1833. Some of the principles discussed in that book were foundational to my parenting.

For instance, he instructs mothers (and this would go for teachers as well) to punish for disobedience, not the results of disobedience. He writes:

Never give a command which you do not intend shall be obeyed. There is no more effectual way of teaching a child disobedience, than by giving commands which you have no intention of enforcing. A child is thus habituated to disregard its mother; and in a short time the habit become so strong, and the child’s contempt for the mother so confirmed, that entreaties and threats are alike unheeded.

“Mary, let that book alone,” says a mother to her little daughter, who is trying to pull the Bible from the table . Mary stops for a moment, then takes hold of the book again. Pretty soon the mother looks up and sees that Mary is still playing with the Bible. “Did you not hear me tell you to let that book alone?” she exclaims. “Why don’t you obey?”

Mary takes away her hand for a moment, but is soon again at her forbidden amusement. By and by, down comes the Bible upon the floor. Up jumps the mother, and hastily giving the child a passionate blow, exclaims, “There then, obey me next time.” The child screams, and the mother picks up the Bible, saying, “I wonder why my children do not obey me better.”

…Is it strange that a child, thus managed, should be disobedient? No. She is actually led on by her mother to insubordination; she is actually taught to pay no heed to her directions. Even the improper punishment which sometimes follows transgression, is not inflicted on account of her disobedience, but for the accidental consequences…. Had the Bible not fallen, the disobedience of the child would have passed unpunished. Let it be an immutable principle in family government, that your word is law.

He describes a better way to handle the situation, then comments, “I know that some mothers say that they have not time to pay so much attention to their children. But the fact is, that not one-third of the time is required to take care of an orderly family, which is necessary to take care of a disorderly one.”

There are many other good principles here, among them: “Never punish when a child has not intentionally done wrong.” “Allowances must be made for ignorance.” “Guard against too much severity.” “Every effort should be made to make the home the most desirable place.” You might not agree with every point (I disagree with his suggestion to have the child ask forgiveness a second time), but overall it is a very helpful and thought-provoking book. I wish I had read it about once a year.

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