Thursday Thirteen: Favorite Jokes

“Mirth is God’s medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it. Grim care, moroseness, anxiety — all this rust of life ought to be scoured off by the oil of mirth. It is better than emery. Every man ought to rub himself with it. A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs, in which everyone is caused disagreeably to jolt by every pebble over which is runs.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
Proverbs 17:22a

In that vein, I give you 13 favorite jokes collected over the years.

1. A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s so important to learn a foreign language?”

~~~~~

2) A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, “Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs.”

She said that if he didn’t start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. “Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!” he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. “Hark!” he said, “What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?”

(I grew up in Texas and never heard any Texans speak quite this way — but I still loved the joke. )

~~~~~

3) When Art learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”

The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Art found the letter on his desk. It read, “Art worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”

~~~~~

4) One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136.

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

~~~~~

5) Young Son: “I heard that in some parts of Africa they don’t know their spouse until they get married. Is it true, Dad?”

Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

~~~~~

6) Tom had won a toy in a contest. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison: “Okay, Dad, you get the toy.”

~~~~~

7) One man once said, “I’ll never understand women. I don’t see how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.”

~~~~~

8 ) We just hired a new consultant at my company. I asked him a question. He replied, “I could tell you, but then I’d have to bill you.”

~~~~~

9) On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I” in the word “marriage.”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

~~~~~

10) When Edna’s grandson asked her how old she was, she teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”

~~~~~

11) Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen”

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know…I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

~~~~~

12) Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

The salesman said, “You just make a small down payment, then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Who told you about us?”

~~~~~

13) I misplaced my dictionary. Now I’m at a loss for words.

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